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    This is your chance to shine

    Madonna, darling, you really need to listen to Heather at Go Fug Yourself. She’s only looking after your best interests.

    I mean, I gotta hand it to you–photo comparisons show you’ve had work done, but you clearly haven’t had your eyebrows jerked up two inches or gotten your doctor to immobilize your entire face with botox or collagened your lips to dirigible proportions. Good on you for that.

    But from the looks of things, that bod of yours has the same fat content as a Snackwells cookie. It’s just about as appetizing, too. Middle-aged beauty just isn’t the same as 20s beauty, and you (and quite a few of your gay fans around your age) really could stand to remember that every now and then. Guys in their late 40s who want to maintain the granite six-pack they’ve had for the last two decades can often do it with martial discipline and a little lipo; but the grain of their skin is different, and it no longer hugs their muscles the same way. When they relax into being a little fleshier and more substantive, middle-aged guys stay yummy and touchable-looking. When they avoid adipose cells like the Plague, they look as if they’d starved themselves to vanishing point and been reupholstered in easy-care vinyl. It’s depressing to see.

    Oops, imagine that. I got derailed into talking about male sexiness. Anyway, back to the issue at hand: Madge, that last video proved to us that you can still fold yourself up like a contortionist and dance around frantically without losing your breath. The point is made. You’ve impressed your fans once again. Now, if you actually want to make us happy, you might consider going back to making videos that are actually beautiful to look at. Maybe you could come up with a few ideas if you took a day off from the gym and kicked back a little.

    5 Responses to “This is your chance to shine”

    1. Toby says:

      I know that this is heresy on this blog, but that clapped out old granny should have retired some years ago. Any leathery has-been can sample Abba and make a hit out of it – at least Steps did it when they were young and pretty.

      Trouble with that whole world is that when you are on the up, nobody ever says no. Guy Ritchie did once (about her parading on the front of the Times Weekend a couple of years ago in a see-through top exposing her nipples), and look what she has done to Guy Ritchie (I understand the gossip is that they are now estranged).

      Madonna’s true love is herself, and one day (how many more husbands later?) she will find out that oneself is never enough, but by that time it will be too late, as she finds it impossible to compromise her supreme selfishness enough to actually get a man, and her children, progeny of who knows how many different male playthings, look at her life and judge her accordingly.

      Glad the (remaining) biscuits went down well! I am still in a quandary of what to buy – food is probably a good idea.

    2. Alan says:

      Ouch, that hurt me. I don’t see how calling Madonna a whore serves any purpose, though… It’s not like she has a new husband/boytoy every week (she’s in her second marriage). Plus, let’s be honest, call Madonna what you want, but bringing her kids up in your rant is pretty low.

      Madonna may dress like she can get away with it these days, but oh well. Still rocks.

    3. Toby says:

      What about the man she met when jogging? I believe he was one of the boytoys responsible for at least one of the children.

      The point about the children is not to insult them – I didn’t – but to note that even they will turn on her, when she is old and rich and lonely and full of regrets for a life less lived.

      What will they think of their mother when they see the Sex book? To you and me, it is juvenile trash, but what would you think of your mother, in Madonna’s previously self-professd Catholic worldview an awe-inspiring sanctity, meat-sandwiched or hitchhiking naked? All for publicity and money too – even her Catholic stage was just a stunt (allowing her to blasphemously cavort with a statue of a saint), as she shops around the Kabbala now, publicity hound to the end.

      Children and marriages are not “lifestyle” accessories, to be voluntarily photo-spreaded in gossip magazines as pre-album publicity. This will all end in tears.

    4. Sean Kinsell says:

      So Toby, are you anti-pornography, then? I’m not trying to trap you, just wondering where you think the line is.

      I don’t think it’s possible to know what her relationship with her children is. My best guess is probably pretty close to yours–I was deeply disturbed eight years ago at the way people were so smitten with her references to motherhood on Ray of Light, which was unaccountably given the sort of reception you’d expect for the Second Coming. That “Little Star” song, in which she sings about Lourdes as if she were a therapeutic tool in Mama’s grand self-actualization project, is lovely, but I can’t even bring myself to listen to it.

      I suspect–again, this is all speculation–that that‘s what Madonna’s children will have a big problem with as they get older. (There are plenty of children in Hollywood and New York and London whose mothers have done nude scenes and been famously linked to a few dozen men over the years. They’re unlikely to spend much time outside an environment where that’s pretty normal for the kids their age.) But Madonna seems like the sort of woman to approach everything as a Project, with goals set by her and everyone else’s cooperation toward them assumed. I’ve never met anyone reared by such a parent who didn’t end up having serious issues to work through because of it.

      And Alan, I don’t see why Madonna’s family life shouldn’t be scrutinized, given the way she’s milked it for publicity and image enhancement. I don’t think she thinks of her children as style accessories; I think she just thinks of everything as part of her Madonna-ness. She wrote an entire album about the Higher Plane to which motherhood and meditation had taken her; she published that children’s book; she takes every interview as an opportunity to talk about how shallow and consumerist people are compared to her devotion to family life and…I don’t know, the deep stuff you think about if you don’t own a television. In the ’80s, she had a much more sensible approach to her fame: she’d acknowledge that she thought people often went too far in criticizing her, and she’d note that Michael Jackson did a lot of the same things she did without being attacked so viciously, but she also ALWAYS concluded that that was the price she paid for seeking publicity. She seems to have gotten less wise as she’s aged.

    5. Alan says:

      I had not realized. That’s sad.

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